Oh yes. My kidlets have developed superhero powers. Heather and Charlie have buggered off to Portugal for week with their Dad (hence the flying - see what I did there?), and Jasper has cultivated a battle hoot so piercing my sister now fears talking to me on the phone when he's awake. And she's partially deaf.
The midgets are probably best summarised through a series of status updates, regurgitated directly from Facebook into this 'ere blog. Short, succinct and to the point. Most unlike me. Laziness! 'ave it!
MEET THE MIDGET CLONES THROUGH THE MEDIUM OF FACESPACE UPDATE.
...is exhausted and overseeing the bathtime of two hyperactive midgets who WILL NOT STOP SINGING. Loudly. About everything. My head's a gonna pop.
Bathtime: The Musical. With songs such as "Charlie's eating the sponge" and "I'm going to wrap this duck in a flannel".
Seriously. Head explosion imminent.
Charlie: "What doin' Mommy?"
Me: "I'm sweeping, so there's no mess on the floor"
Charlie: "No mess and no dragons?"
We do have a significant dragon issue in this house. Conventional pest control measures are inadequate.
Charlie is batshit crazy. For the past two days he has been sprinting through the house and bellowing at full volume, and today has informed me "Jasper a helicopter...", and "Jasper a giraffe..." I'm exhausted, slightly deaf and am developing a twitch.
Heather found a wedding magazine. She has narrowed down a selection of dresses for me, has picked outfits for the bridesmaids, suggested a cake and is now planning floral arrangements...
Charlie: "Iss Yoda! He using the fork!"
Epic parenting fail. Jasper strapped to my chest in a sling, opened a drink for Heather and squirted it all over him. Oops...
Heather: "Shall we have some music?"
Me: "Good plan."
Heather: "Maybe we will have Miley Cyrus...?"
Me: "Miley Cyrus is dead. I put her in a bag with some rocks and she's now at the bottom of a lake. Don't cry, the world is a better place." (Okay, okay, I didn't say that. I have lied to get out of it though. I love the kid, but seriously: Miley Goddamn Fecking Cyrus!?)
Heather is doing a barbie fashion show. Scariest audience ever, comprising of two dinosaurs, peppa pig, yoda, woody, a Tasmanian devil, the penguin of death and gronckle the dragon. Lordy.
Yet more evidence of my kids being batshit crazy. Charlie ran into the kitchen when I was cooking:
Charlie:"Are you making FIRE?"
Me: "No...just cookies"
Charlie: (wandering off muttering to himself) "Charlie's spider make fire..."
God knows.
Charlie just threw two full-on tantrums. The first was because Jasper doesn't have three heads. The second was because the Liverpool Victoria logo isn't blue. He holds me personally responsible for both of the aforementioned travesties and is no longer speaking to me. Crikey!
Scrap iron van just went past. Charlie gasped and bellowed "OH NO! IT'S A BEAR! PLAYING A CRUMPET!" Got to stop giving my kids crack for breakfast...
When my daughter throws a strop she looks and sounds exactly like Beaker.
CHARLIE MAKES LOUD NOISES FOR NO REASON. Jasper does not appreciate this. Jasper makes loud noises of his own to express his displeasure. I have a headache...
For sale: one two and a half year old male human, dark brown fur, fully vaccinated, not neutered, partially house-trained. Very affectionate but quite demanding. Best suit someone with experience, as a fair amount of training is will be required to overcome EPIC ATTITUDE PROBLEM. Any takers...?
Its 4.45am. Jasper has decided to start his day early with energetic shadow boxing, squealing, grinning and slowly waving his own paw back and forth in front of his face (ultimate in entertainment, apparently). I'm knackered, but it's very cute.
Charlie was angry about being told to come inside and is too small to reach doorhandles. However, not one to be thwarted by simple obstacles, I just found him on a chair in front of the open dining room window about to escape into the garden that way.
Charlie: "I DONT LIKE IT!"
Me: "Charlie, what is the matter with you!?"
Charlie: *incoherent bellowing*
Me: "Are you angry?"
Charlie: *stamps foot* "NO NO NO NO I'M NOT ANGRY! NOT ANGRY!!"
Charlie: *roaring*
Me: "Are you a dragon?"
Charlie: "NO! I AM DUDE!"
...has an entire army of tiny clones to contend with today. It's vaguely reminiscent of the b-movies I'm so fond of watching. Have been outwitted by female clone and repeatedly bellowed at by eldest boychild. Smallest midget appears to be making a concerted effort to devour my arm.
...wishes Jazzpiglet would refrain from demonstrating his new favourite noise (something akin to the inhuman shriek of an enraged pterodactyl) at 4am.
Charlie is stripping Heather's polly pockets and running round the front room bellowing "I AM NAKED! I AM FLYING!"
Jebus. 4/5 year old girls having their first sleepover = woken up at 6 to something that sounded not dissimilar to a feral cat being strangled atop a keyboard.
Charlie: "I AM NOT ROLF HARRIS! I AM EUGENE!"
There you have it. That's the child-related aspects of my life summarised for the past couple of months. I'll do another update soon; right now I've got Jazzpig to mysen due to Drew working this evening and the older midget clones being on their hollibobs, but unfortunately seem to have caught some kind of evil bug and have been enjoying some fantastic digestive displays courtesy of the cup of tea I attempted earlier. Beautiful. So, needless to say, I'm not in a particularly wordy mood. Perhaps I will upload midget pictures for you. Maybe.
